Finding Peace in a Post-Narcissistic Relationship

Photo by the Author, Michella Sfeir

The moment I realized I was in a relationship with a narcissist was the turning point when everything changed for me.

It was like finding the last piece of the puzzle, and the image could never be any clearer. Everything suddenly made sense. A Flashback of memories started to run by, and I understood, for the first time, why our story had been a never-ending cycle on repeat.

I am not an expert, but I would like to share my step-to-step process after walking away.

1. Acceptance.
   Accepting that we are in a relationship with a narcissist is the first step to leaving them — Denying it is what keeps us locked in. We hold so much shame in accepting the hard truth of being in love with this kind of person. And the longer we experience the abuse, the harder it becomes to admit it. But on the other hand, we also hold so much power in the things we name and label; we control what we shed light on.
   And the dance between keeping the truth in the dark or exposing it is where all the healing lies.
2. Learning the psychology behind narcissistic relationships.
   Many online accounts explain the psychology of narcissists and empaths. Learning about it will equip you with awareness and help you grieve.
   Also, this will help you prove day after day, when doubt kicks in, that yes, you were in a relationship with a real narcissist, and going back is not an option.
3. Guilt.
   At some point, you might feel guilty for walking away.
   You will remember the few sweet moments, the gifts they bought, and the “romance” you had.
   But If you look back truly, you will notice that the bad outweighs the good. It is important to remind yourself that the price you had to pay for the lovely times was always very high, and there’s nothing worth the sanity of your heart.
4. Question if you are the actual narcissist.
   Being in a relationship with a narcissist means being gaslighted every minute of the day. So we got used to questioning our realities and believing things we disagreed on.
   It is normal to get confused sometimes. If you have a friend you trust, talk with them about the thoughts you are having. Good friends will remind you of your true self.
   Also, it is good to remember that narcissists never think they are wrong, and it is almost impossible for them to question their faults… therefore, you are not one.
5. Missing them.
   Let feelings flow. You will miss them. You will wonder how they are doing. You will reminisce over good times. Be patient with yourself. The beauty of being an empath is the emotions we have. Let it be. But also remind yourself that now, you respect yourself way too much to allow them back into your life. So yes you will miss them, but also you will never get in touch again. Nostalgia is temporary.
6. Obsession.
   You might start doubting many people in your life and question if they are also narcissists or what. Your friends, your family, your boss, your colleagues… Everyone might seem like they are the enemy. This is because self-protection, at this point, is an essential element in our healing. But, eventually, with time, you will let your guard down. This is because you are so strong now, and the nature of people around you won’t matter anymore… you have got this!
7. Anger.
   Huge waves of anger will hit you. Anger at yourself for allowing all the abuse. Anger at them for being so ugly. Anger at life for meeting them.
   Don’t repress it. Yell, shout, break glass, hit things. Cleanse them off your system. You are going through a rebirth.
8. Cutting cords.
   And at last, cutting cords with the ex. The most common way to do it is by writing them a final letter. Say our final words and goodbyes. But, of course, this letter is never meant for them to read; it is for us to move on cleanly better. Burning the letter is the best way to let it go.

Please remember not to associate yourself with the narcissist.
They are deeply in pain, and their behaviors say nothing about us; their abuse will never define our worth.
Please remember that it is not your responsibility to help them.
Please be patient and easy on yourself.

Finally, and most importantly, please remember that there is no shame in loving a narcissist.

You are not only letting go of them, but also you are letting go of a version of yourself that doesn’t exist anymore; they killed it with every heartbreak along the way and made a clean space for new experiences through the gate of self-love.